mirror, mirror on the wall
by TheWhiteCrayon
Summary: to be, or not to be. that's the question. (but really, is there anything else?) / Or, the story of Robbie Shapiro. (oneshot)


/...Okay I have no idea what just happened here. Just, ehm, read it, and I hope you'll enjoy?/

 **disclaimer: sadly, I do not own victorious. or any other tv show. or anything at all, really.**

.

"Please don't cry, my love." mommy says. "You're going to be fine, I know it."

(It's not true, and they both know it, but he guesses that's just what she's supposed to say.)

"I love you Robbie." she whispers, right before she closes her eyes.

Robbie is eight years old when his mother dies. (It's never really the same again, after that.)

x

"Run Robbie, faster!" his sister yells as he runs as fast as his little legs can carry him, holding the bright yellow kite. Its family picknick, and their parents are watching them play from a few feet away -a bright smile upon both their faces.

"Faster Robbie!" she yells again. And faster he goes -so fast that he doesn't see the root sticking out of the ground and... boom. Both Robbie and the kite are lying in the grass.

"Robbie!" he hears his mother calling. And she reaches him in three seconds. "Mommy" he begins to cry as his mother hugs him tight.

"Where does it hurt, sweetheart?" Robbie continues crying as he points to his knee. (He's always been kind of a sissy.) His mother examens his knee carefully, only to conclude there's no real damage done.

His mother puts a small bandage on the superfacial cut, and carefully kisses his knee. "There," she says. "All better now."

Robbie wraps his small arms around his mothers neck. "I love you momma." he whispers. His mother smiles into his black curls. "I love you too, baby."

x

The big house seems lonely, empty, ever since his mommy's been gone. Daddy's never there, he's been working non stop ever since she 'went away'.

(That's what everyone calls it around him, anyway. But he's smart enough to understand that that's not what happened. Going away implies that you could come back, after all. But his mommy's never coming back.)

His sister says that that's just how their daddy deals with sadness. -by keeping busy. And Robbie should try to understand that. (But Robbie just wants somebody to hold him.)

It'd be different if at least his sister would be there for him, but she's never home either. She leaves early in the morning, to go to her big-kids school, and after that she has dance class and soccer and hockey -o, and her 'friends' of course. (But she can't spare some time for her very own little brother.)

Robbie realises quickly that they're the same -his father and his sister. They're the same and therefore they mourn the same -by keeping busy, as his sister says. But Robbie is nothing like either of them.

Robbie is like his mother.

The only one who would have understood him, is the one they're mourning in the first place.

(It would have been ironic, if he wasn't a sad, eight year old little boy, who just misses his momma.)

x

Robbie slams the door behind him, as he comes home from school -just before remembering that he's supposed to be quiet. His father hurries into the hallway to scold him. "Sorry daddy" Robbie mumbles as he skips past him, up the stairs, into the master bedroom.

This time, Robbie closes the door behind him as quietly as possible. He tiptoes into the dark room, to the bed where his mommy is fast asleep. He sits down on the flloor, and looks at her pale face and closed eyes.

Robbie's not supposed to be in here. He's not supposed to bother his mother. She's sick, you see, and she's never getting better. (But Robbie's only eight years old, and he doesn't really understand what that means -he just knows that everybody in his family is crying all the time, and his mommy never plays with him anymore.)

So he isn't allowed to wake her up, but he's not bothering her if he's just sitting here, is he?

(Robbie sits on the bedroom floor every day for hours, and he's a little sad that nobody misses him.)

x

When he's ten years old, Robbie decides that he wants to play the piano, just like his mommy did. For some reason, he doesn't think his father would like it so much, so he doesn't ask. And with a little help from the internet, he teaches himself to play on mommy's old piano.

And maybe he's a natural (maybe its in his blood) but he quickly learns to play Bach and Beethoven, pretty wonderful.

x

The black tie itches his neck, and he keeps picking it until his father gives him a warning look. Its his mothers funeral, and everybody's crying -even his father and sister, who never wanted to cry with him, when he was sad.

Everybody except for Robbie, who tries so hard to cry but can't.

x

He's twelve years old, and he decides to go to hollywood arts. He expects his father to forbid him from going (because daddy doesn't really believe in creativity) but to Robbie's surprise, he doesn't care at all what school his son goes to.

Robbie goes to the audition alone, and he amazes the teachers with his fine piano play.

On his first day, he befriends a girl named Cat who's sweet and random and crazy, and he just can't help but love her instantly.

Her best friend Jade, however, is something else. She's cold and mean and dark and, frankly, scares him to half to death.

It's a while before they learn to accept each other, Robbie and Jade. But by the end of the year they're Robbie&Cat&Jade, and for the first time in his life he's got friends.

x

"You look like her." he'd almost think it was a compliment, but it's not. Not the way his father says it. Not the way he looks at him.

Whenever his father says anything to him, it can't be anything but criticism.

x

He'll never be good enough. Not for Cat, not for Beck (he might have always been a tiny bit in love with the both of them, but shh, don't tell!) not for his father. Not for anybody.

Because he's 'just Robbie'. And 'just Robbie' will never be good enough for anyone or anything.

The only person in the whole world who was ever satisfied with 'just Robbie' is gone.

(Though a little voice in the back of his head keeps telling him she wouldn't have approved of him either, were she still alive.)

x

He's sixteen the first time he throws up.

Well, of course he'd thrown up before that.

But he's sixteen the first time he throws up on purpose.

He thinks maybe it'll make him thinner, better, stronger (perfection.) Make him more worthy of his father's love.

(Does it make you feel like a man?)

x

Cat buys him a ventriloquist's dummy for his thirteenth birthday. He names him Rex and he's so happy he could cry, because it's the first time anyone remembers his birthday since his mom died.

He talks through Rex in the way that he'd want to (but can't) talk through himself (because he just can't).

Rex is always insulting Robbie, and sometimes he doesn't know why he does that, but then again it makes everybody laugh.

(And laughing equels happiness, doesn't it?)

x

One day, when he's late for school, he finds Jade on the steps in the hallway, drinking from a bottle of wine. (He never knew anybody could look so beaten and so scary at the same time.)

He doesn't know why, but he sits down next to her. She doesn't say anything, and neither does he.

They finally broke up, Beck and Jade. (And he didn't think that Jade would be the one to take it badly.)

"Are you okay?" he asks eventually. It's a stupid question, and quite frankly, he's not even sure why he's speaking to her.

(Though maybe she might just remind him of his dad just a little bit, the way she's sitting there.)

(And what he wouldn't do to be able to ask his dad that very same question.)

She laughs, but it sounds hollow and dry. "What's it to you Shapiro?" she asks. Robbie shrugs.

She takes another swig from her bottle. "He doesn't want me." she says, staring straight ahead.

"Well." Robbie says. "I know how you feel." he waits a few seconds. "I've been rejected my whole life." (Nobody ever wanted him but his mommy, and even if she hadn't died, that's quite sad.)

"Cat doesn't want me." (and neither does Beck, but he doesn't say that) "My father doesn't want me. I've got nobody."

Jade laughs again. "Well, don't expect any pity from me." she says "And stop acting like you're the only one who's had a shitty life. You're not the only one whose father doesn't give a fuck about you, you know. Mine never even liked me. And my mother may still be alive, at least yours loved you before she died. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say about mine."

They're quiet for a few seconds before Robbie speaks again. "So we're the same then, you and I." he says. "Who would have thought?"

She snorts before bringing the bottle back to her mouth. "Well, I wouldn't go that far." She says.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and then Jade sighs.

"Don't take me seriously, Robbie." She says. "You never have before."

"Well," he says "I do. Take you seriously."

"Well," she says. "You shouldn't."

x

Robbie wakes up from a nightmare, screaming and shouting and crying and kicking, and he doesn't stop until his mommy walks in and flips the light on.

She sits next to him on the side of his bed and cherishes his hair. "There, there my darling." She whispers. "It's all okay now."

"There were monsters, mommy." he sobs. "It's okay sweetheart." She says. "It was just a nightmare."

He wraps his little arms around his mother's neck and sobs into her shoulder. "Please don't leave, momma." he whispers.

His mother hugs him tight.

"I'll never leave you, darling. Never."

x

When he's fourteen, he decides to drop his music completely, and focus full time on his comedy.

He doesn't care that his teachers tell him he could make it big time, that he's got an amazing talent and could be very rich and famous, and that he's throwing everything away.

(Because apparently that matters or something.)

Playing the piano doesn't make anybody laugh. And Robbie just needs to be surrounded by a laughing (happy) audience, its as simple as that.

x

He never really learns what the word 'lovers' means.

Maybe he and Jade are lovers, because they make out every time nobody's watching. And Jade's hungry kisses make him feel so needed and wanted and worthy of something, and he loves it.

But Jade threatens to crush his nuts if he ever tells a living soul, and something tells him lovers shouldn't be ashamed of each other.

Maybe though, he and Beck are lovers, because they sometimes hold hands under the table, and hug just a little longer than is 'normal' for straight guys. And Beck's warm smiles meant only for him make him feel so good about himself.

But Beck keeps telling him he's sorry and he's that he's not gay. Robbie only knows that it feels right, and then who the hell cares about all that, but Beck's different.

And Robbie can't help but feel that lovers shouldn't have to apologise after every stolen kiss.

Or maybe, he and Cat are lovers, because they tell each other everything, and are always together. And he's never felt so comfortable and so happy around anyone like he is around Cat.

And whenever he thinks about her, he thinks about writing romantic songs, and planning romantic dinners, and about love, and about forever.

But Cat runs away every time he tries to kiss her, and he doesn't think that fits the description of lovers either.

x

He's hanging over the toilet again one day (can't stop now).

(The vomit tastes strangely bitter in his mouth, even though he should have gotten used to it by now.)

When he's finally done, he tries to stand up again but his legs are wobbling and his vision blurs and -oh god- his head hurts like it's been hit by a rock.

He lies down on the bathroom floor and tries not to pass out (one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…)

(Mommy, am I dying?)

He reaches for the sink and pulls himself up. Leaning heavily on the sink, he tries to look at his own reflection in the mirrow. (black spots everywhere)

His greasy black hair sticks to his ghostly white face (snowwhite?) and there's a bit of vomit lingering in the left corner of his mouth.

Dull, watery brown eyes stare at him from the other side of the glass, begging him to look away but he can't (he just can't).

"Robbie Shapiro." He says out loud.

He tries to laugh, but it hurts his chest and tears spring to his eyes.

(Mommy, am I dying?)

x

He tries to visit his mother's grave as often as possible. (Somebody has to, right?)

(Right?)

Most people on the graveyard are sad, are there crying and mourning for their loved ones.

Robbie's not sad at all. (He wonders if that's a bad thing.)

He sweeps the stones, takes out the weeds and waters the flowers, all the while talking to his mother.

(How could he be sad, when this is the only place where he can still talk to her?)

x

When Robbie's fifteen years old, he permanently forgets what his mother's voice used to sound like.

He tries to cry until he remembers (but he never does).

When nothing else is working, he holds his breath until he passes out.

(Not for any reason, just because he wants everything to stop, stop, stop)

(Please just stop)

(When he comes too, he still doesn't remember his mother's voice.)

x

To be, or not to be. That's the question.

(but really, is there anything else?)

x

Right after high school graduation, Robbie goes away. To travel, and to see the world (or some shit like that).

He's not sure where he's going, or what he's looking for, but maybe (just maybe) he'll find whatever that is.

Follow the sun, you know?

(Because isn't there supposed to be a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?)

He brings a single backpack with him. Inside he packs an extra pair of jeans, about five tshirts, some socks and underwear, his pasport and all of his money, two pictures, one of his 'family' (taken when he was six) and one of his 'friends' (taken when he was sixteen),

and Rex. (who takes most of the space in his backpack)

He only ever says goodbye to his mother and to Cat, because they are the only ones who deserve (read: care) to know where he's going.

Cat asks him when he'll return.

(He tells her he'll be back when he's found the pot of gould.)

x

When Robbie's five years old, his sister takes him picknicking in the backyard (just the two of them, and Robbie feels very grown-up).

They fill a basket with the sandwiches that mommy made, two cans of lemonade, two apples, a bar of chocolate and a blanket to sit on.

They sit outside on the grass for hours, just talking and laughing and playing and eating, until it suddenly starts to rain, and mommy says for them to come back inside.

But Robbie doesn't want the picknick to end yet, and he rolls out the blanket in the middle of the livingroom.

His sister joins him, and they play games and tell each other jokes, and his sister tells him they're having an indoor picknick now.

That evening, when daddy comes home, mommy puts dinner on the ground and hands out plastic plates and cultery, and they all sit down on the blanket to eat and it's the best picknick of his life.

(This is Robbie's favorite memory.)

x

Five years of traveling later, he's been everywhere and seen everything, but he still hasn't found his pot of gould.

He doesn't want to go back to LA, so he gets a shuffy apartment outside of New York (cause he's kind of broke, and he can't pay for anything good) and he tries to get a job there.

Soon enough, he and Rex get to do a standup comedian act every weekend at a decent club, not to far from where he's living, but it doesn't pay nearly enough to get him through the week, so the rest of the time he works at a supermarket, which isn't exactly his dreamjob, but it pays the rent, so.

He lives there for a little over a year, until he realises that he's doing the exact same thing every day and every week and this isn't going anywhere.

(he takes the last of his money and buys a plane ticket to Miami)

x

In Miami, he finds his pot of gold.

(O, well, at least the color is golden, anyway)

He drinks gallons at the time, and he drinks it every night. (Because whenever Robbie does anything, he always takes it too far -that's just who he is)

He can't help it though. Whenever he drinks the liquid gold (o, just call it beer, like any sane person would) he feels invincible, powerful, happy.

(Maybe he feels just a little bit like he thinks Rex would feel)

(failiure)

Sometimes it makes him sad what he's become.

x

He gets homesick, sometimes. To LA, to his mother's grave, to Cat, to Beck, to Jade.

But, he thinks, there comes a time when you just can't go home again.

(Or maybe he could, but he just doesn't want to see the dissappointment on their faces.)

x

"I love you, Robbie."

(silence)

x

He dies on a rainy november night. Drunken driver.

(Ironically, though, its not him.)

He dies with a loud bang, and no last words.

(mommy, am I dying, am I dead, am I gone?)

And then, there's darkness.

x

"Please don't cry, my love." mommy says. "You're going to be fine, I know it."

(It's not true, and they both know it, but he guesses that's just what she's supposed to say.)

"I love you Robbie." she whispers, right before she closes her eyes.

Robbie is eight years old when his mother dies. (It's never really the same again, after that.)

.

/review?/


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